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When Your Spouse Won't Come to Church: A Priest's Counsel on Winning, Not Arguing

When Your Spouse Won't Come to Church: A Priest's Counsel on Winning, Not Arguing 14:28

What the video says

A priest addresses the common question of what to do when one spouse wants to become Orthodox but the other is hesitant. He emphasizes that marriage must be won together, not through contention, and that faith, patience, and attraction through personal transformation are key. He then gives gender-specific advice: wives should offer respect and information to their husbands, while husbands should show love, affection, and spiritual leadership, letting their changed lives draw their wives to the faith.

Key moments

  1. The big picture: read the Orthodox marriage ceremony; both spouses must 'win together' since in marriage if one wins, the other loses.
  2. A wife who complained about her husband was asked where her respect, honor, and love were—becoming a better wife should draw him in rather than create contention.
  3. You must have faith that God will see you through the process, even if it takes years, without demanding your own will or pressuring your spouse.
  4. Conversion must be an attraction: spouses are won over by seeing genuine positive transformation in each other, not by arguments.
  5. For wives: respect and honor your husband, per St. Paul—this is her martyrdom in marriage, and it applies regardless of whether he seems worthy.
  6. Wives should also give their husbands information, since men tend to be logical and analytical; some decide quickly, others slowly and steadily.
  7. For husbands: love—speak kindly and gently, cherish your wife, listen daily, connect emotionally, and show her your affection is directed only at her.
  8. Orthodoxy gives men tangible structure (prayers, fasting, services) to become the spiritual head of the family; don't argue anyone into the faith—work on yourself, as St. Silouan said, 'You can change the whole world by changing yourself.'

A priest addresses one of the most common and painful situations in parish life: one spouse is drawn to Orthodoxy while the other stays home. His central claim is that marriage is a shared venture—drawing on the Orthodox marriage service, he notes that spouses must 'win together,' because in marriage if one wins, the other loses.

Pressuring, nagging, or contending with a spouse over church attendance is therefore self-defeating. Instead, he calls for patience, faith, and attraction: the unbelieving or hesitant spouse is to be won over by witnessing genuine, positive transformation in the other, not by argument. He then offers gender-specific counsel.

Wives are urged to give their husbands respect and honor, following St. Paul, even when the husband seems unworthy—this, he says, is a wife's martyrdom within marriage. Wives should also provide information, since men tend to be logical and analytical; some will decide quickly, others slowly. Husbands, in turn, are told to love: speak kindly and gently, cherish their wives, listen daily, connect emotionally, and make clear their affection belongs to her alone.

Orthodoxy, he adds, offers men tangible structure—prayer, fasting, services—through which they can grow into genuine spiritual headship of the family. The discussion closes with St. Silouan's maxim: change yourself, and you can change the world. The post also promotes a paid community offering courses on marriage, dating, and fitness, and links the text of the Orthodox Service of Crowning.

Main points

  • Spouses must 'win together': contention over church attendance defeats the purpose; conversion happens by attraction, not argument.
  • Wives: offer respect and honor per St. Paul, even if the husband seems unworthy; also give information, since men respond to logic.
  • Husbands: love gently, listen daily, show affection, and use Orthodoxy's structure to become the family's spiritual head.
  • Have faith that God will work over years, without demanding your own will or pressuring your spouse.
  • Work on yourself first—St. Silouan: 'You can change the whole world by changing yourself.'
123 comments at the source 44K views Original on YouTube ↗

Discussion · 12

Opinions are anonymous retellings of real comments from the original discussion. The same colour marks the same participant.

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  • opinion#136

    I started bringing my spouse along to services and kept praying that she would come to faith. Through the Mother of God she discovered where she belonged in the church, and she was baptized on Palm Sunday.

  • opinion#137

    For anyone still anxious about this: 1 Corinthians 7:14 says "For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy."

  • opinion#141

    I pressured my wife and kids into Catholicism and it was a disaster from day one, for all of us. Last year we converted to Orthodoxy together as a family, and it was the best choice we've ever made. Thanks for the advice, father.

  • opinion#146

    Thank you for not framing this only as husbands leading their wives to church. Sometimes it's us women who come to the faith, and it's hard to lead our husbands while still practicing submission.

  • opinion#138

    This approach has worked out in my marriage with my Arab Muslim wife. God's grace changed me, and seeing that change made her fall in love with Orthodoxy. The only obstacle left is her fear of cutting herself off from her culture and family by leaving Islam. Please keep us in your prayers.

  • opinion#143

    Father, I'm torn apart and heartbroken. I desperately need direction. I was baptized as a baby in a canonical Orthodox Church, most likely by pouring. I spoke with SEVEN ORTHODOX PRIESTS, including the one I regularly attend, about my wish to be baptized properly and how anxious I am that my baptism might be invalid. Not one of them supported me, saying that whatever error humans made, God's angels will fill in the gaps, and since I already live the life of the Church, nothing needs fixing. Meanwhile other priests go so far as to claim that anyone not baptized by immersion isn't baptized at all. I'm confused, and it's shaking my faith. If it matters that much, why do so many priests make this mistake? What is a believer supposed to do who, through no fault of his own, was baptized by pouring and is now refused a proper baptism? Surely one can't just drift from parish to parish forever hoping to find someone willing to baptize them — and in my case that would be outright disobedience to my priest. My anxiety is so bad I'm now afraid to approach the chalice… I don't know what to do. Please help me. God bless you.

  • opinion#140

    As a Christian, I spent nearly a year and a half arguing with my mother and brother, trying to get them to attend liturgy and pray, warning them they had no protection and that what happened to me — drug addiction, trauma, a life without direction or purpose — could happen to them too. Honestly, they're on a spiritually barren road. This week I finally understood that God is trying to teach me patience. Nothing I said was wrong, BUT it happens on God's timing, not mine, and maybe God wants my brother to walk a hard road so he can learn what I learned. I assumed my brother shouldn't have to go through what I went through — that dark place with no answers, no hope of survival, no solution. I figured my lessons could spare him. WRONG. I gained what I gained — the humility, the empathy to help others — THROUGH that impossibly hard path. You can hardly learn one without the other. Almost, because someone heading down a bad road could choose the easier way by choosing Christ. The problem is you can barely show someone how hard their path will be, but without that they often don't even realize WHY they need Christ — especially good-looking, talented guys like me and my brother, who usually have to go through a lot of garbage before they understand why they'd even need Christ. So yes, it's God's timing, and my brotherly duty was to try for a year and a half to pull him off the path I…

  • opinion#142

    I was born Orthodox and had my daughters baptized in the Orthodox Church; my husband is Protestant and will never become Orthodox. And I've made peace with that — we both love and follow Jesus, and nobody should be forced.

  • opinion#144

    Women are the reflective force (lunar) and men are the initiators, the sources of energy (solar). So if your wife acts out or won't follow your lead, she's reflecting something in you — start looking for the problems within yourself, fix them, and adjust.

  • opinion#145

    Hello Father, I'm 21, Catholic, and writing this while sitting in church, wondering about my life. I just lost my job, have no money, I'm in debt, my girlfriend of two years — who I thought would be some support — dumped me yesterday, my aunt just got a serious cancer diagnosis, and the rest of my family has their own troubles. This past year has been a catastrophe, and this week was the peak of it, piling everything on at once. Why does God make me suffer this much? I didn't want to lay out my whole history of bad luck here, but honestly I don't know what to do anymore. I try so hard and everything keeps going wrong. Any advice?

  • opinion#139

    I keep praying for my husband! Funny enough, he was raised Orthodox but barely learned anything about the faith. He did want our kids raised in the church, though. I loved him deeply and promised myself I'd honor that when we married. So I began taking the children to church every Sunday whether or not he came, and it transformed me! I opened my heart and let Christ into my life. Now he's stuck in a strange spot — he doesn't really want Christ, but he wants the tradition. In a way he made me Orthodox, yet now he doesn't want it for himself. It's such an odd situation we're in. But I stay patient and encouraging, and I can see small changes in him!❤

  • opinion#147

    Honestly, I had just talked to my non-Christian wife about Jesus — she thought he was a made-up figure — and it upset me so much I spoke harshly to her. I went to pray, apologized to her, and then this video appears in my feed... and I'm not even subscribed. God has a sense of humor.